Giving Space: Love Without Taking Over

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This week, I want to talk about one of the hardest forms of love. And that's giving someone space.

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Not walking away, not going cold, not pretending we don't care,

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but staying close without taking over. And I mean this for ourselves as well. It's that urge to step

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in and try to fix and help.

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I'm Steven Webb, and welcome to Stillness in the Storms, the podcast that helps you have a little peace when

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you need it most. How are you doing? And sorry I missed last week, but I have a lot going

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on in my life at the moment. I have a bedroom that's totally tore up because we had a leak

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under the floor for a long time, and we're trying to dry it out, so my wood floor has been

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ruined and my skirting boards are now off, and yeah, I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all. And I

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have because I have carers and because I have lots of people in my life, everybody's telling me all their

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expert views and sometimes I'm like, just let me go So space, that's what I want to talk about this

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week. But just before we go on to that I want to thank awesome people that donate, because it's you

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guys that keep the podcast free. It's you guys that make sure that you only hear my voice and

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Karen, Lana, Jess, and Stuart. You guys are awesome, and I always miss somebody, but I'll

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catch up with you next week. Just a huge, warm thank you. Hand on my heart, really appreciate you I

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know my listeners do as well. If you cannot donate, always leave a review, share the podcast. It all helps

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somebody. Somebody out there needs to hear it, and you might be the only conduit to passing that on. So

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I was talking to my daughter recently, and I realised that virtually everything she said,

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whether it was on the phone or in person, I wanted to jump straight in and answer and give her

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my thoughts. And I'm really trying not to do that. I've been trying not to do that for about four

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or five years now, and I still find it very difficult, especially when we're so close to them because we

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want to solve their problems. We don't like seeing them suffer. But what I've realised is if we just pause

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and give space, that space is so much opportunity, not only for them to think through the solutions,

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because very often we know the solutions. We know what we should be doing. We just need that someone to

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give us space to be able to calculate and work it out. And I also think this is the same

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for our own heads and our own feelings. And very often in meditation, I say, whatever arises, do nothing with

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it And what I mean by that is just have that bit of space after it arises, and sometimes that

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thought or that feeling and emotion, just disappears by itself without any lasting story.

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We don't have to go down some kind of deep rabbit hole or deep story like we do think all

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the time. That's just evolution trying to protect us in the future. If we can make sense of the thought,

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make sense of the emotion, make sense of what our friend is going through, or that driver that chops us

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up, or that person that shouts, or whatever is happening, that two-year-old crying.

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If we can just give that a little bit of space, afterwards, we can look at it and go, ah,

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that's what was happening But it is really difficult when we really care, and we want to fix it we

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want to help It's really difficult when it's ourselves and our own thought because we want to step in.

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We want to criticize the thought so like well, that's dumb. That's stupid. That's ridiculous Or we're like, yeah, that's

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a good idea. I'll go with that one thinking, how is it going to work out? So just space, and

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very often just enough pause for maybe two breaths or just one breath sometimes is enough

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Sometimes the musician needs to go quiet because it's the, the gaps between the

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notes and the gaps between the words are just as important as the words. With

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no gaps and no space between thoughts and space between feelings, everything becomes so blurred.

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And

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with a bit of practice, we can all do this, and I think it's one of the most profound things

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we can learn to do. Just give it three seconds after your friend finishes talking.

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Just give it a couple of seconds after that emotion arises. When

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you look at an item, don't jump to a story of, I want to buy that or, why is that

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here Or, who put that there Just see the item

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Just become aware of the thought. Just

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become aware of the breath, the feeling. You

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know, even if you just have an itch on your body, just, ah, there's an itch I'm not saying in

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a couple of seconds time you don't have to itch it, but

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it gives us that space to do it mindfully. And I genuinely believe, I believe this really in my

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whole bottom of my heart, that if we have enough wisdom within ourselves, we've had million years

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millions of years of evolution, we've got so much experience within every atom of our body, that when we do

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give it space, things often solve themselves or didn't need solving

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And it's even in council meetings, I sit there sometimes and emotions coming forward or something

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and I'm like, I want to stick up my hand. I always go with the intention of not saying anything.

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I'm going to be the wise one in the room that doesn't say anything. But I'm always there no I

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want to prove to people that I'm intelligent, that I can see this, that I've got the answer to this.

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That I can see something that perhaps none of you can But when I sit there and shut up, very

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often the council come to their own conclusions very much in the same way as I might have wanted to

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do anyway. Or I can change my mind because someone says something and I go, oh, that's, that's interesting. I

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didn't see that And you also give the opportunity for others to shine. It's the one of the things that

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I enjoyed about being mayor was You could not have a political opinion You had the final casting

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vote if it was ever tied 50-50, and you had a vote anyway. You just hope it never went down

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to the 50-50. But it's not your job as chair of the council to put your opinion. It's your job

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to make sure everybody has a firm voice everybody said their bit, and it's debated to the length

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that needs to be to come to an informed decision. If only we could do that in our everyday life

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with our families. Just imagine sitting around that table with a barbecue or at the Christmas dinner and going, right,

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we all just come to this informed, wise decision Not going to happen in my family. We're all two way

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opinionated. We're all two way trying to prove to each other that we're the ones with the knowledge. Please see

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me. See me. I'm here. I know this. That's why we argue with our family so much because we're trying

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to prove to our family that, hey, look, I have grown up to this wise person. I do know this.

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I do know more than you because we're trying to compete. It's a good evolutionary thing to do, to compete

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for your family in a safe container. But do we always have to do it? Do we always have to

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compete? No, we don't And the instinct to help is not wrong. It's, it's a nice

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way of being, and sometimes we do need to step in and help. But nothing's harming and just giving that

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bit of space, that little bit of pause. Says, says, can I step in at the right time when I

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need to Because if we allow our minds or our feelings or someone else's minds or feelings or their

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dilemma, if we allow them to solve it, if we allow them to come to the conclusion, very often it's

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more powerful. It's like when someone decides to give up smoking or give up alcohol or a bad vice, it's

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so much more powerful when they decide to do it rather than someone else trying to convince them to do

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it

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But fixing something very often, when we're trying to fix something, is our own discomfort that we're trying to get

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rid of. If we're sitting with someone with problems, we're uncomfortable because the fact that they're suffering

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spills over onto our discomfort. So if we fix it, we then don't feel so uncomfortable.

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Then that's not such an obvious one to see

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Very much sometimes that can be really disguised if we don't have that self-awareness. And I don't see it a

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lot of time. I don't think, well, what someone else is going through is really, doesn't affect me, I'm just

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trying to help them. But it does affect me in that moment, and it does affect me if I leave

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there thinking I haven't done my best to try to help them And we don't want to feel powerless. We

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don't want them to make a mistake. We don't want to sit back and see them go down in the

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wrong direction because we think we've already seen that direction. And sometimes from the outside, yeah, we can see more,

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but sometimes we definitely cannot see as much as what they can see, if only we give them a little

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bit of space.

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And you may feel sometimes that giving them space or staying quiet is like abandoning them is like as if

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we're being cold. But it's not. Giving space is not walking away. It's not coldness. It's not neglect. You know,

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it's not the silent punishment. Real space says, I am here and I trust you. I trust your wisdom.

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I am listening to you. I recognise that whatever you're going through is not the same as what I'm going

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through, although there may be similarities It's hearing them, which is very often important. How often

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do we not feel heard? And

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just by giving that few second space that really does help them to feel heard. And

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why does this matter spiritually and really on the practical level? So meditation tells us to

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sit with our own inner world, whatever's arising, and the same skill should apply to the outside world,

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the current situation, the room full of people, the room with the animals. Even our animals need that bit of

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space to Have you, if you've ever spent much time with a cat or a dog, you have to really

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give them time. You say something, and you have to give them time to turn their head on the side

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to really hear what you said, to give it real careful consideration, instead of just repeating it.

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And then with this space, we can also choose whether or not help is actually needed or whether or not

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that space is just the deeper help itself. We let whatever it is on our minds to breathe. We let

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the body to feel. We allow it to happen. The body is way wiser than our minds are, and our

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minds have access to way more wisdom than we think it does. Very often when we're moaning to somebody else,

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we either just want to be heard or we want someone else to hear our

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calculations, our thought patterns, and see whether or not we're justified So here are

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three practical things, questions that you can ask yourself that if you ask it before you approach

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a person or when things are happening is, am I helping or am I trying to reduce my own comfort?

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Am I trying to prove to them that I know an answer? Have I listened long enough for their own

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wisdom to appear?

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And what would it look like if it had more space in it

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What would love look like if it had more space in it, more acceptance? Space is a form of accepting

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this moment, and

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it's like saying, I am here. I trust you. Take your time. I am here. I trust you.

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Take your time

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So where does this not apply? Now, of course, we're no therapist. You know, if you are a

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therapist and you are fully trained in this, please trust your training over mine every day of the week. I'm

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not a therapist. I'm just someone that has suffered a lot and found ways to reduce my suffering and found

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ways to accept and love the people around me a little more. But it doesn't apply if someone's unsafe, vulnerable,

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or in situations where things are dangerous. You know that. You know there's a

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big difference. You don't have to give space in those moments. But most of the time we're not in anything

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like that. Most of the time we're just in a conversation that needs space. That conversation in our heads, that

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conversation of what happens when a feeling arises. And

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if we do give space, it stops us spiritually bypassing, and I've spoke about that in the past. We can

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talk ourselves out or into how brilliant we are spiritually, how brilliant we're doing, how much work we've

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done, and how wonderful we're doing. You know I've yet to find anybody that's done all the work. I've yet

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to find anybody that's enlightened and doing brilliantly all day long and never makes mistakes. So yeah,

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you're in good company if you're only enlightened about 30 seconds a day. You're doing well You're doing better than

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me, I would say. So, okay, Slowly rewind it back. Isn't it important just

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to give your feelings, your thoughts, the moment, your group, your friend, your relative,

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your animal, whoever, just that little bit of space?

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Even if it's only three seconds. Have a three-second rule. I'm not talking about toast falling on the floor. I'm

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saying, have I given this three seconds because most of our problems, most of the things we think about, most

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of the problems that our friends sometimes want to share with us, there's already solutions to

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them or they don't need solving at all. We just need to give it space.

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Just like the gap in the music, just like the space at the top and bottom of the breath.

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Space, that's the word this week. So I don't know if you received my weekly Calm Newsletter. If you don't,

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head over to StevenWebb.uk. And as with my Inner Peace Meditations, all these podcasts come free because of

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very generous and lovely listeners that donate a coffee to me each week. As the listeners go up, the hosting

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and all does come more expensive, and I really appreciate them being able to keep them completely free with no

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adverts. That's my intention and I'm never going to change from that as far as I can at least cover

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the cost So thank you so much to each and every one of you. Take care, guys, and have a

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wonderful week, and I love you