How to Turn Around Negative and Dark Thoughts

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When I woke up this morning, I started reading my emails and I got an email from Ian. And it

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gave me the idea to do today's podcast, riding the waves of dark and negative thoughts and moving towards peace.

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And in this podcast, I'm going to answer a few of these questions that he asked in his email.

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And I've also got a really honest and brutal message for Ian. And anybody that is struggling with the deepest

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and darkest thoughts and struggling to come to terms with something that's happened to them. So stay tuned for that.

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But

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first, welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb, your host. And over the next 20 minutes, you can

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learn ways of dealing with negative, dark and destructive thoughts. And also ways in which we can turn them

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around and turn our life around into a little more peaceful life doesn't It isn't always easy and it is

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a struggle and it's an ongoing struggle. But there is simple things that we can do that really do make

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a difference.

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So, it's a new podcast. You're here and I welcome you. Thank you very much for anybody that's donated a

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coffee and supported me or leaving reviews or anything. You are awesome and this podcast would not be possible without

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you. So, let's really move into because there's a lot to cover in this week's podcast so I want to

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move straight into it. And I'm going to do this. I've written out five questions. But just before we start,

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I'm going to read out Ian's email. He says just been listening to the podcast on The Funnel after having

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a tough week and some dark thoughts. So, in a minute, I'll explain what The Funnel is and I'll link

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to that podcast underneath this podcast. And then he expands. Could you expand on the podcast on how to deal

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with those negative thoughts at the point of origin? And how do you generate motivation? So I broke

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his email down to five questions. Why do we experience darker negative thoughts? How can we effectively confront

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negative thoughts as soon as they arise? What are the practical ways to break free from cycles of dark thoughts?

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And how can we find motivation during tough times? And the final question, what role does self-awareness play in

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managing our thoughts and emotions? And I've done the time stamps below of those five questions to make it

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easy. So why do we experience darker negative thoughts? We have a negative bias and they protect us. And if

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you think about from an evolutionary point of view, and you imagine you're in a forest and you've got that

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party goer that's always happy, doesn't even bat and I did and you hear a big bang and they go,

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oh, carry on partying, nothing's wrong. And you've got that negative person that says, no, we should put the fire

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out. We should like get out of here. We should run. Well, that person is going to protect us. So

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it's natural that we have a negative bias. It's natural that when we're going through tough times, our subconscious mind

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is going to naturally gravitate towards the negative thoughts. Totally understandable. It's going to try to protect

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us. It's just the protector within us saying, hey look, keep an eye on this. This is what could become

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another road. The problem is we're living in a totally different world now. We're living in our homes and centrally

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heated and all those things. And the mind just hasn't evolved anywhere near to that degree. We're still living in

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a cave. We're still hunter gatherers and things like that. So the threats to our lives now are completely different

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than what they were. I don't know, half a million, a million years ago. So, but the negative thoughts are

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just there to protect us. And what the subconscious mind does, it wants to generate feelings. And

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every time that it comes up with a thought based on narrative, history, your habits and everything else, it wants

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to create as deep a feeling as possible or the highest feeling as possible. I say deep. What I mean

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by is a strong feeling. So if it gives you a feeling and you have real desires it's really strong

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and it really enlightened, happy and joy, it'll keep giving you that one. And the same goes that if you

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have a real dark feeling or you have a real sadness and it's the opposite to joy and it's real

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grief, it'll keep giving you that one. So whatever your general frame of mind is at the time, that's where

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your subconscious mind will keep giving you more of them. Do you notice you have like biorhythms that you might

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have two or three days that nothing will take you down and two or three days that nothing will pick

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you up? And you don't, and it's really hard to step out of either. And that's what the mind does.

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It just tends to, it's like a flywheel. It's just on that same trajectory. And it's really difficult to change

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that trajectory, if that makes sense. So that's a really short reason why we have negative thoughts or dark thoughts

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or we end up getting stuck in the hole, so to speak. But how can we effectively confront negative thoughts

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um but the one of the first things you need to do is... Become aware of them when they're arising.

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Very often we have the thought arise, we have the feeling arise we just go with it and we don't

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even know we've done it. And the one most obvious for that is anger. Someone really pisses us off and

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we jump to anger so quickly and we don't even realise the action or something that caused the

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anger in the first place. We're just already angry. The body jumps to that anger so quick. But what if

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you could have a little gap between, what if I give you the gift of, so you have a thought

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arising and then I give you a gift of you got a couple of seconds to look at that thought

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and decide whether to go with it or not go with it. And then you just push it away or

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you just let it float away or you choose to go with it and expand it. Just like very similar

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to out of the blue, if I gave you a cookie to eat. You have a decision whether to eat

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it or not. Imagine if you had that choice with every single thought. Well, you can. The only problem

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is it takes a lot of hard work and as you identify motivational to do the meditation, to put the

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work in, to create that gap between what's arising and what you do with it. You know, very often we

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are everything that arises is a thought and we just react. The habit, the subconscious mind. It hasn't even consulted

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with you at that point. It's already done it. Whereas the idea is that any thoughts that arise, whether they're

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stimulated from the outside world or from within, you then have a choice what you do with them at that

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point. But it's really hard to see. Now then, as soon as you see the thought, as soon as you're

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aware of the thought, you can ask yourself, and Byron Katie's question I think is brilliant. It's so simple, but

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it's brilliant. And she asked the question, is it true? So if I have a thought that uh I'm always

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neglected or I'm always hard done by or no one ever listens to me in the council, and then I

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can go, is it really true? No one ever listens to me in the council.

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And immediately my subconscious mind you're right go yes, true. No one does. Yeah. Okay. Ask again. Is it really

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true or

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maybe they listen to me sometimes, but most of the time they don't listen to me. Okay. Again. So is

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it true that no one ever listens to you? No, that's not true. So we start to analyse the thoughts

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that we're having. And okay, I took a relatively benign thought. But I'm thinking back to my

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darkest time in life when I really hit bottom My thoughts were really painful um And at that time, I

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was broke. I had no money. I thought I would have no life in future. Being paralysed I've been in

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the wheelchair and all that just give me no hope I'd never thought I'd have another girlfriend again or a

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partner or anything like that. I thought my partner that had just left me, I thought they were doing all

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the things that I dreamt of doing. And I don't really want to elaborate on the podcast, but you know

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we're all adults here um You know what I'm thinking. So those thoughts were so damaging to me. And every

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time I thought it, they were doing those things right there and then. And it was almost like they were

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rubbing my nose in it. But of course they weren't. That wasn't true. So when I would when I learned

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to ask myself, is it true? Very often, no, probably not. They're probably stressing. They're arguing. They haven't even got

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a new partner. They're not even doing that you know It's quite different. So the reality is very different to

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what our thoughts are. So that's one of the ways in which we can address the negative thoughts once we

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step in. And I'm going to talk about that a bit in a minute. Creating that gap. But ask yourself,

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is it true? And it has to be absolutely true. Not just, oh, it's a bit true. It has to

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be absolutely true. The other thing is just engage with it but recognise that it's a choice whether you

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go with it or not. It really is important to know that you can have a thought. They're not your

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thoughts. You know, they're coming from a story. It's like your subconscious mind is picking them out of all the

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books in your mind. And they're probably your dad's thoughts, your mom's thoughts, family's thoughts, your teachers, your religious

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teachers, all those things. It all comes together. It makes your subconscious mind, your subconscious mind plucks all these thoughts

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that it thinks is flavor of the day. Here you go. Take that thought. And then we run with it

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because we think it's us and it's the only thought in the head. It's not what we can just get

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we could be amused by it you Imagine stepping back and just watching your thoughts go by. Most of them

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are hilarious.

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It's like the old joke when people were driving along. What would happen if we drive down over there? What

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would happen if um these kind of things? It's the mind creating scenarios to protect you, to make sure you

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don't do those things. And

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I can remember my one time when I had the most darkest, horrible thoughts when I was contemplating suicide and

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taking my life. At that point, I had thoughts coming into my mind that I couldn't live like this. I

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was in so much pain. I wanted to get rid of the pain and the suffering. And the only way

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I could do that at that time was to throw myself off the bank. And then my mind started saying,

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yeah, but what if you get caught up on a tree? What if you spend the next four days hung

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up here? All those things and I must have done a bit of meditation by then because I found them

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quite amusing. It's like, yeah, that'd be my luck. And then I started to think, well, do you know what?

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What would I miss out on if I didn't if I did end my life today? What would I miss

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out on I thought about I would never see my daughter again. I would never have the chances in life.

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I would never have done half the things I've done now. And at that point, it was before I was

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mayor of Truro and before I, I suppose, took count on my city counselling

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voluntary job a little more serious. And before my podcast hit a million people and all those kind of things.

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And don't get me wrong, I don't always feel like doing these things. I struggle with them sometimes and I

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have thoughts that, oh, it'll never go anywhere and no one ever listens. I've got nothing to say, nothing practical,

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things like that. So all those thoughts are there for me as well. I just find them more entertaining. So

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moving on to the next question. What are the practical ways in order to break free from the dark thoughts?

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Well, create the gap. So we need to become more mindful of what's happening in our lives. And you do

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that by, the first thing you can do is do a mind dump. Just grab a piece of paper, grab

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a pen. No one's ever going to read it. You can burn it afterwards. Do whatever you like with it.

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But just write everything down. Positive, negative, whatever. Don't don't even bother with full stops and

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commas. No one's going to read it. Just write everything down. And the mind shifts into this, oh, I've dealt

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with a lot of that and it It kind of stops bringing it up. And write positive things in there

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and negative and all sorts? Because thoughts are just thoughts. They're not either. The

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other thing you can do is spend more time, not so much in deep meditation because you said you're finding

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the motivation hard. Just spend a few minutes. Whenever you've got like a minute or even 30 seconds at the

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crossroads, like red traffic lights, just go, ah. What's

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going on in my head?

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And just observe your thoughts. And the more you do that, the more you realise you are not your thoughts.

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And that there's the Holy Grail. You are not your thoughts. You're the observer you're the You're the thing aware

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of your thoughts. But you are not your thoughts. Thinking about it, you could scrap this whole podcast and just

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take that with you. You are not your thoughts. And

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the other thing you can do after you... Totally did by that. And when you do it 24 hours a

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day, let me know. The other thing you do is practice gratitude. Just write down three things in your life

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right now that you're really grateful to have. And if you can't find three things, find three things that if

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somebody come in and robbed you right now and they took three things, what three things would you miss? The

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device you're listening to this on um What if they come and robbed your clothes? What if they took your

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pillow? Your life would be worse without those things, you know, instantly um

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So there's loads of things to be grateful for, whether they're big things or small things. Problem is, whenever we

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think of gratitude, we think of bigger things like family and that we're alive and we've got a house and

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got a car, got a career. No, it can be the small things like you've got a pillow. And trust

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me, not having a pillow. So moving on to the fourth question. How do we find motivation during tough

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times? And this is difficult. Motivation is not something external. It's not like fuel you put in a car.

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It's not something that you can just go and buy from a shelf. Motivation, I think, is a word that

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just should not exist. You find motivation. Motivation is a byproduct of finding things you want to do

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so If you think back to the early stages of like your first relationship or the relationship we're in

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now or whatever it is, did you need motivation to get out of bed and on a cold morning and

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go and meet them? Did you need motivation to walk through the snow to go and get them? Did you

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need motivation to save some money to buy them a present? No, you just did it because you wanted to

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do it. It gave you the reward. So you've got to find the things that give you reward. Once you

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found the things that give you genuine reward, and it could be you know knowledge from books, it could be

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um getting fitter from exercise, it's not the action of doing, it's the it's the result you get from doing.

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So you you'll never find the motivation to meditate. Trust me. Nobody ever, or unless you're

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crazy um no one ever goes, hey, let's sit down for 20 minutes and meditate and do nothing. No mind

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ever said that in the history of minds. You know, nobody wants to sit down and meditate for ages just

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like, oh, I'm gonna do nothing for 20 minutes. The mind sits down within about four seconds. It goes, I'm

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done with this. Let's go on Facebook. Let's go and watch a thing. You don't need to do any of

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this rubbish. So you won't find the motivation to do the hard work, but you have to focus on the

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result from the hard work. And this is why I say start small. You know, every time you brush your

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teeth in the morning, just sit on the toilet for five minutes before just two minutes thinking about your thoughts.

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And then do your teeth. Then when you grab your coffee or cup of tea in the morning, just spend

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that time drinking it. Don't turn on the Tv. Don't do anything else. Just drink that tea or coffee. Really

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savor it Every sip. How does it taste? What's it like? What's your thoughts? What's your feelings? Really dive down

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deep into the present moment. And what this does, it creates your subconscious mind and your human mind, the slower

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mind, will end up starting to work together. And it will start being present more often because the result of

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that is just being more mindful. You can make better decisions and you have a bigger gap between what arises,

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that point of origin, and

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then the decision to go with it or not go with it.

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So forget motivation. Forget waiting for that. It won't happen. Start finding what you want to do. And you could

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do it the old-fashioned way, which works perfectly as well. Grab a piece of paper. Start writing down the 10

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things you want to accomplish this year. Scrub out seven of them and pick the three most important. And then

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work out how you get towards them. The problem is we're trying to... Do everything and get to the end

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game because that's where we want to be. We don't want to be on the journey We want the end

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game.

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And that's the reality. But the problem is we have to go on that journey because you won't enjoy the

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end game without going on the journey. But we're looking for the motivation for the journey, whereas really we've got

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to look at the end game and enjoy the journey with that motivation for the end game. I hope that

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makes sense. I feel like I've...

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Complicated it. Just really looking at what you get from it is the real holy grail here. And the final

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question is, what role does self-awareness play in managing our thoughts and emotions? Well, we touched upon this. It plays

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everything. You cannot be in control of what you do with the thoughts when they arise if you are not

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being present and mindful. Now then, a thought arises. It just comes out of nowhere. You you won't

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pinpoint where it comes from because the minute the thought the minute you're aware of the thought,

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it's already arisen. It's already happened.

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So you cannot ever go to the point of origin. You can go nerdy there. So the moment the thought

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arises... There's a small gap that the more meditation, the more mindfulness and the more you practice,

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you increase that gap and you have slightly more time to decide what to do with it.

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Now then, if your subconscious mind and your instinctual mind has already passed it over to you, then it's nothing

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to worry about in that moment. They would have took care of it if it was something that had to

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be done instantly they would have They've already made those judgements. They've already thought about it. They've already been full

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of emotions. They've already done way more calculations than you can ever imagine. In the 30 or 40 milliseconds it

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takes, your brain is way more powerful than you are yourself. So by the time it

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gets to the point that you're aware of your thought, just

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be mindful. Just slow down. Just take notice of what's going on and make slower

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decisions. Make more effort to take time out and see things for what they are. And when you stop and

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look around things of what they are, and when you have thoughts and all that, just go, ah, is it

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true? Do I have to do anything with this? Do I have to make a decision now? Is it a

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thought that's worth getting on? Is it a thought that's worth challenging? The problem is, it sounds, and for me,

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so many thoughts end up arguments and committee meetings inside my head that nobody ever wins it's

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just drains me down. And it seems like one after the other, they're all like talking over each other and

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it's like, just give me a break. Whereas we want to take ourselves out of that and watch them. And

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you'll find out when you acknowledge them and go oh okay Thanks for the thought. Nothing really, it doesn't have

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to go anywhere. So

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I did say at the beginning of this podcast, I was going to talk straight to you, Ian, and anybody

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that is going through a difficult time.

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It's hard going through difficult times. It's hard having life-changing things happen to us. And it

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wasn't easy for me. It was difficult for me as well. And even now with the operation I've just had

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a couple of months ago. Now then,

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sometimes it's worth going to dig

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in the hole a little deeper. And

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you'll you'll find that when you dig your hole a little bit deeper, you'll find that what we're moaning about

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or what those voices are moaning about really just doesn't really mean anything. But the problem is while we're we

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have feelings of depression or feelings of we've had enough, really there's a lot more rock bottom underneath that.

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And very often if you give them attention, you sit on the edge of the bed or wherever and go,

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okay, hit me with it. Give me all the worst, darkest thoughts you can imagine and just

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wait for them. You'll realise they're quite hollow.

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You'll realise they don't have that much depth behind them. You'll realise the thoughts are quite fragile. And they

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don't have that much meaning. They don't have that much truth. And

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I do this with my loneliness. I very often feel quite lonely. And although I've got carers around

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me and I've got other people in my life, when

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I just sit there, I go, okay, be lonely for a minute. What does feeling lonely look like anyway It

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looks like having nobody ever looks like I'm the last person in the whole universe. Even the trees don't exist.

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Even the planets don't exist. I'm just flying in the universe. And

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after a while my ego goes, stop this, you're not that lonely. And then it kind of gives me another

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frame the It gives a chance for the other voices to perk up. And I think when we're suffering and

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when we're trying to get out of that cycle of dark and negative thoughts, the other voices are so drowned

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out because the protection mechanism of negative and dark thoughts to protect us is so loud.

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But first of all, we realise we're not in that position to need them at that point. And then the

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other voices step in and go, hey, we're still here. The gratitude voice, the happy voice, the desire voice, the

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enlightened voice, the wise voice. All those voices start coming up as well. And then you end up in a

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mad, crazy committee meeting of all sides that come and go on a daily basis. And we can just watch

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the... Whole orchestra of voices. And be entertained by them. But we don't have to become any of them.

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And I think that's really important. We become part of these voices. And these voices become part of us.

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And they become the only voice we have. And that's not true. All the voices are all part of us.

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The 10 000 news And I think that's where you'll find most of the break is when... You

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realise you're not any of those individual voices. You're all of them. Listen to all of them. Enjoy all of

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them. Enjoy all the musical instruments. Play the whole orchestra of life. And

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then you'll find out that there's a lot more to enjoy. I

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hope that helps. I hope that helps anybody that's going through a difficult time. And Ian reached out to me,

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went to StevenWebb.uk and sent me an email through the contact me. Please do so if you'd like to reach

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out to me um And I'm available for a call. You can book it in. Just email me and we

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can book it in. If I can help in any way, not sure I can, but let me know. And

Steven Webb: 00:25:13

just thank you to anybody that supports this podcast. You're making a difference. I'm trying to be a little more

Steven Webb: 00:25:19

proactive, trying to be a little more consistent. And my life is really settling a little bit more now since

Steven Webb: 00:25:26

the operations and since... My disability is becoming more manageable now, so... And your support helps.

Steven Webb: 00:25:34

I love you guys. Take care.