When Letting Go Feels Impossible, Try This Instead

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Hello and welcome to Stillness in the Storms. I'm Steven Webb and this is the podcast for anyone who's going

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through something hard. No quick fixes, no empty advice. Just an honest conversation from someone who's been

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through a thing or two. I want to start today's episode with a personal story. And

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this came to me about three o'clock in the morning when I was thinking about my next episode, what I

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was going to talk about. And my mind just would not let go of a couple of things. I thought,

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I'm gonna do a podcast about letting go. And in that moment, I lied down and I thought, right, well,

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I'm just gonna accept the fact that my mind's gonna think all the rest of the night. And I just

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lied there and went, go on then. And I think I was asleep in about 30 seconds. But the story

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I want to tell you, when I left hospital after my spinal cord injury, when I broke my neck,

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I was about 20 years old. I had a manual wheelchair. A lightweight one. My family and my friends had

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fundraised for me. It was awesome. It had a custom paint job. I think it cost a lot of money

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at the time.

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And I've always been someone that likes to have the best. So... It kind of mattered to me.

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So I here I was with this wonderful, amazing, lightweight wheelchair. But I could barely push the chair over

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the carpet in my own home. I wouldn't be able to push it out the end of my road, let

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alone out through my gate or my door. I couldn't, like, tilt it back. I couldn't go over a few

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stones or anything like that. I certainly he couldn't push it up any gradient because my triceps were paralysed. My

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hands are paralysed.

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And there was one day when I was here, I managed to get myself into the bedroom and I was

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playing a computer game and I

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ended up spasming and coming out over the back and I ended up my feet in the air and lying

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there and I couldn't get... The lifeline that was around my neck was just around the back of my neck

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and I couldn't get it to press it. I think I was there for about two and a half hours

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before someone came home and found me like it. But I was still stubborn, so I would spend my days

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with my back to the wall so I didn't fall out again. And just watching Tv, you know, country music

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channel and turning the Tv over from one channel to the other. I spent hours and days doing this. And

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I thought, well, I'm still independent. You know, if the phone goes, I might just about get to it. Bear

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in mind, this was like 1992. So we didn't have phones that you could sit on your lap or anything

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like that, or not one that I could pick up in my hand anyway. So if the phone went I

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it was like about a 20 chance I'd actually get there before it rang off.

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But somehow I thought I was independent. My friends would come and take me out down to the nightclubs or

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down to the pub. They'd push me all the way down the hill and all the way back and That

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felt like independence to me. And then a social worker or someone or my dad or someone looked up and

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said, well, why don't you get an electric wheelchair? It's like, no, not me. I'm not disabled. I'm not that

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disabled. And anybody that's getting older and suddenly finally cannot walk that far. And I don't know what it's called

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in the Us or over in Australia, but in the Uk we have blue badges for people that can park

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closer to the stores. And I know loads of people that could do with a blue badge, but they won't

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do it because, no, not me. I'm not disabled. A little side note here while I was editing. I noticed,

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talking about the blue badge, I had been in a wheelchair 20 years before I applied for my very first

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blue badge. That's how much I wasn't going to be disabled. Anyway,

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back to the podcast. And I was very much like that then. I would see other people in wheelchairs I

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go oh man, I feel for them. Couldn't imagine me in the wheelchair Totally forgetting that I was in a

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wheelchair.

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So I kind of gave in to give it a go just to keep people quiet. And I I ended

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up buying the very first one that was demoed to me. It looked a bit different. Thinking back now, it

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was awful. It's the most uncomfortable seat. It was... Great big back wheels and all that. But it suddenly

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gave me independence. I could go out and about. And it made me realise that it was more about me

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accepting I was disabled,

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accepting my position, than it was me letting go.

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I was trying to let go of that version of me.

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Instead, I didn't know what version of me was me at that time. I don't know what it is now,

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even, incidentally. But that version of me was not the one that I was trying to live up to. So

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when I just accepted it, I went, okay, I'll give this a go. Everything changed. Now then, it's

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something I work on constantly. But that's what I want to talk about in today's podcast is about the difference

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between acceptance and letting go. So yeah, that's what I want to talk about in today's episode.

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But just before we get there, I just want to say, before we go deeper, I want to take a

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moment to say thank you. This podcast is completely free and there are no adverts, no sponsors, and no one

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is paying me to sell you anything. The only reason I can do, keep doing this, and the reason this

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podcast and all my other work continues is because of the kind people that treat me to a coffee. And

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those small donations pay for everything. So a heartfelt thank you to this week's episode sponsors.

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No supporters, no coffee buyers. You're just awesome guys ruf Nina and Ray.

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Skillet, Cheryl chrissia Penny Jenna and Maya. Angie, Sean and Stefan. And

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there was a couple of anonymous again this week. Thank you. And also, of course, there's the monthly donators that

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I think next week I'll dedicate the show just to the monthly donators. So if you'd like to support the

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podcast, you can buy me a coffee. The link is in the show notes and you can sign up for

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my weekly calm newsletter. I'm actually starting to do a weekly now so But let's carry on. So,

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letting go. Two little words that everyone loves to throw around. Let go of control. Let go of worry.

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Let go of the past. Let go of that relationship. Let go of the outcome. Let go of expectations. And

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it all sounds beautiful, doesn't Very wise. Very spiritual. Very new age. You can imagine it

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written in a nice font on someone's Instagram. And I've probably liked them myself. When we learn to let go,

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things become lighter. You know, you drop the bags and you're no longer held back. All the analogies. But here's

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my question. How? How do you actually do that? How do you actually let go? And it sounds so

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simple. I think there's a real problem with the phrase let go. And I want to be honest about it.

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Because I think it's caused more stress than it's ever relieved in a lot of people. And people

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are still asking me now how to let go. And how many times have you tried to let go or

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something and it's still there months and years on? The problem is this. When someone tells you to let go,

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your mind has to focused on what you're trying to let go. Whether it's a memory, whether it's a just

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a thought, whether it's a past, whether it's a physical disability or anything you You have to bring

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it to mind to let it go. So you have to be reminded of it. The minute you're reminded of

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it, the body and the mind takes notice and puts an importance on it. And that analogy I I like

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to use in a different contexts Try not to think of the bear running towards you with machete and donuts.

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Just don't think about it. I want you to let that go. Get that image out of your head of

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the bear. You can. It's really, really hard. Or they say the pink elephant in it. Imagine a flying pink

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elephant. There you go I'll put some spots on it. Now we're thinking about it. But don't think about it.

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It's impossible. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think it's harder than that. That's just a simple,

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easy example. But when you when your body latches onto a thought, a feeling, an

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experience, it uses it to protect you. And because that protection is

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a tangible thing that helps you, it does protect you, it's evolved in

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order to help us survive, you're actually telling the body to forget something that is incredibly important.

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But if you accept that that danger is there and the body goes, okay, you've accepted now, I don't have

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to keep reminding you of it. And I think that little shift makes all the difference. So you're lying in

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bed and at three in the morning and worrying about something, and you tell yourself, I need to let this

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go. And when you're worrying about that thing and you're also stressed because you can't let it go, you've added

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a second layer. You've added an importance to it. And then you start turning over in the bed and you

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bang your head on the pillow. It's just like, just stop thinking about it. But when you, just like I

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said at the beginning of the podcast, this is where this episode come from When you just go, okay, think

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about it.

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I'm listening

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okay And do nothing with it. It's like, ah. And

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the mind will go on to something else. And the more you do that, the less that that thing that

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you're trying to let go becomes important in your life. It's like quicksand. The more you struggle, the more you

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fight, the more you try to force your way out, the deeper you sink in the The letting go becomes

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another task on your task list to do.

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If you've got to sit down to physically do a meditation oh let go. And I've done a meditation to

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go with this podcast, but it's not about sitting down and letting go. It's about sitting down and accepting. If

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you accept this moment, like I accepted my disability only in that moment, trust me. It's taken many more years

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to accept many more layers of that, and I still haven't accepted it all because I don't know what is

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going to trigger me next. The vulnerability and asking people for help, God, it's still there. But

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the letting go, if you really truly want to let go of everything, it will be an endless and thankless

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task for your body. Because your body will fight you all the way.

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So, if letting go isn't quite the answer,

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like I've talked about it, I've already mentioned it, just think of the word acceptance.

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I know acceptance can sound really passive, like as if, what's the point? It's not really doing something. It's not

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the hard labor It may sound like you're giving up, but it's not. It's actually one of the bravest and

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most powerful things a human can do. There's real braveness and courage in

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accepting what is. And

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here's the difference as I see it. Letting go says, I need to push this away. I need to get

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rid of this feeling, this situation, this part of my life. Acceptance says, this is here. I see it. I'm

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not going to pretend it isn't there. And I'm going to open my hands and let it be what it

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is.

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Think of it like holding a butterfly. If you close your hand too tight, you can injure the butterfly but

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If you hold your hand gently, keeping it closed enough to keep the butterfly in there, and you don't want

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it to go. That takes a lot of work, a lot of nourishing, a lot of things to do with

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it. But if you imagine just opening your hand and then trying to force the butterfly to go, but it

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doesn't want to go.

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It's just staying there on your hand. It's got nowhere to fly away to. And you're like, no far away

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pushing your hand. Come on, go, go. That's frustrating, right? You want to blow on it. You want to encourage

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it. But what happens if you just open your hand and accept that it's there? It's no longer going to

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affect you. You're not going to get angry with it. You're just going to go, oh. And

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then you're focused on other things. And

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that's what happened with me in the wheelchair. I didn't force myself to let go of anything. I could I

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couldn't suddenly be not disabled. So

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I released that attachment to my manual chair of And the manual chair wasn't the attachment. It was the attachment

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to I'm not that disabled. My attachment to my old life. And to who I thought I should have

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been when not accepting who I am. It's like, I'm 53 years old now. Every morning I wake up, my

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body reminds me I'm 53. But my brain thinks I'm anywhere between 15 and 40. Given

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what I'm feeding like on that day or who I'm hanging around with. Or how stupid and childish or ignorant

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or wise I might be feeding

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But my body will remind me constantly. And no matter how much I try to fight it.

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Just accepting the fact that my body is 53.

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I'm then easier with it. I'm not fighting it. I'm not angry with it. I'm more accepting of it. And

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then I can do something with it.

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Because when I was refusing to be disabled, refusing to be disabled, that seems such a funny

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sentence. But when I was refusing to accept the fact that my life had changed,

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it was all hassle, trying to keep it up. And I just couldn't.

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You know, I was suddenly free. I I was free. Not free from my disability. I'm still disabled. That

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hasn't changed and it won't change. But free from the war I was waging against myself and reality. Free

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from the exhausting daily fight with the way things were. And suddenly my life was open and free So

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now you might be thinking, that's a lovely story and I get what you mean. I totally get it. Acceptance

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is wonderful. Change the mean. And you may say, well, I haven't got that bigger story I'm not in a

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wheelchair. How does it really apply to me?

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Well, my answer is this. We all are in wheelchairs of some kind. There's something holding you back. There's something

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that you're refusing to bring to the surface. There's something that maybe an maybe A

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situation or something that you just, it isn't that you you want to forgive but you cannot let

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go. And you almost want to forget it or different things. But you're like just tensed and you're trying to

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force it to go.

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And the acceptance is the twofold. Accepting it and then it will let go

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by itself. It has to let go of you. I know that sounds really strange when it's a thought or

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something but it letting go of you is the other way around. Suddenly a subconscious mind won't bring it to

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mind. Suddenly when you see that person or when you see a situation, you won't be triggered by it.

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Everybody's different. Maybe

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your body, things are changing. These aches and pains. Maybe

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it's a role you've lost, a job. We were talking about roles last week. A position, the identity have been

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needed. Talking about that very much last week and the newsletter. But instead of sitting with this discomfort that

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of that change, just you're scrambling to replace it. Fill the gap or prove you're still valuable. Just accept your

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new life, your current situation. So I pretty much spoke for enough today, I think. And what I'm going

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to suggest generally is that you consider just accepting whatever it is. Not approving of it. It's not

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saying it's okay. If it's about forgiveness, it's not saying you forgive them or different things. That's a whole different

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story. I'm just saying you're accepting this present moment. You're accepting the situation. Not pretending it doesn't

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her Just acknowledging that it's there and loosening your grip on it a little.

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Because here's what I've learned. When you accept, you create space. Space that was previously filled with fighting

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and resisting and clenching. And into that space you can move. Opportunities can arrive. New parts of

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yourself can emerge. A new life, a new part, a new a new direction So I want to leave you

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with something small and practical. Something you can try today. So at some point, find the quiet moment. It doesn't

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have to be long. Just a few minutes will do. And think about something in your life that you've been

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trying to let go of.

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Something you've been telling yourself and that over and over again that you shouldn't be bothered by it. And instead

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of trying to push it away, I want you to try something different. In your mind or even physically, if

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it helps, just open your hands, palms up, and say to yourself quietly, this is here.

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I'm not going to fight it today. And

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that's it.

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You're not solving anything. You're not letting go. You're just putting down the rope for a moment.

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You're stepping out with a tug of war.

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So notice how it feels. And

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if it just feels good for a few seconds, just allow it to be what it is.

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It's not about letting go. It's just about accepting.

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So here's the one takeaway from today.

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Freedom is not about letting go. Freedom is about acceptance. And when you try to force something away, you keep

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it alive. When you accept it truly and truly accept it, you take away its power from over you.

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You open your hand and you can breathe.

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And in that breath, you are free.

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That's what happened to me when I went into a grey electric wheelchair all those years ago. My stubbornness got

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out of the way. I accepted my small part of reality. And the whole world ended up being mine. I

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could do things I many So many things you've seen in my life what I've done would not have happened

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if I didn't accept things.

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So thank you for listening. And God, it's been a long day. I'm so tired so But I wanted to

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record this podcast before I went to bed because I've got a busy day tomorrow and I want to get

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out the weekend.

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So take care of yourself and I love you.